sometimes i get depressed

Monday, September 19, 2011

 "A 1990 Johns Hopkins study looked at 104 occupations to see which professions suffered from the highest rates of depression. Lawyers topped the list (when adjusted for socioeconomic factors). and were found to suffer from clinical depression at a rate of almost four times that of the norm."

"Researchers who studied lawyers in the States of Washington and Arizona found that 19% of these attorneys were clinically depressed and 15% were thinking of suicide."

"Researchers studied law students to find out their rates of depression. By late Spring of their first year, 32% of the students were depressed. By the Spring of their third year, that number had risen to 40%. Two years after law school, the same subjects reported that 17% of them were still depressed."

There's a part of me I don't really talk about on the blog or really, to anybody.  Sometimes, I get depressed.  Not just sad but clinically depressed.  I've been dealing with depression so long that I can tell the difference.  I can handle being sad.  I don't really mind being sad, because at least it's a feeling.  When I'm depressed, I don't feel anything.  I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not angry.  I'm not anything.

It's hard to explain to someone who has never been depressed.  Trust me, I tried to explain it to my old roommate when I visited her a few weekends ago.  She kept saying, "But I don't want you to be sad!"  "It's not that I'm said," I patiently responded over and over again.  "I just don't care."

It came up because I've been having a rough spell lately, and she noticed when I visited.  I've been on medication for almost six years now, ever since my homesickness freshman year of college never went away.  I remember just lying in bed, wondering, "Why should I even bother going to class?  What does it matter?  The world's going to end one day.  Will going to International Studies 101 really make a difference?"

It sounds ridiculously emo to me, too.  I try to laugh about my depression, even when all I want to do is sleep.  That's one of the easiest ways for me to tell when I'm depressed - how hard is it to put my feet on the ground in the morning?  How easy is it for me to convince myself to pull the covers back up and close my eyes again?

I don't think anyone can guess I suffer from depression.  I hope not.  I try to keep things upbeat in public.  I put out my fall decorations this weekend.  I cleaned my house, did my laundry, curled my hair, went out for a friend's birthday on Friday, saw the new Sarah Jessica Parker movie.  I keep functioning.  But it takes more effort, and I get so tired.

I almost felt like me tonight, though.  It was nice.  I've missed me.